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If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

People who say they suffer from constipation are full of crap.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

I changed my iPhone's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I bet reading a book about anti-gravity is impossible to put down.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.